To try and catch,
These falling thoughts,
Chess game conversations,
Where you can spot their opening gambit;
Its’s always the same,
Regardless of who’s playing.
And it’s unimaginative.
I’m a big fan of people,
Who throw rule books out of windows.
The things you write,
That you’ll only share,
With page and ink.
I find thoughts,
And hidden in the strangest of places.
I want thoughts that self destruct,
Not self destructing thoughts.
I’ve picked up the wrong paper bag of thoughts.
This one is full of lists and mundane things.
Where’s the one,
Brimming with creative things?
I had the cards. The stamps. And I sat down a number of times to write them but always ended up wandering off again.
Then it hit me today as I was running. I’ve lost three of the first, close friends I made when I moved here. To write cards highlight’s holes in my life.
This year has had me wrestling with the doubt that I’m a good friend. I think I’m a good person but friend? When I can be cut off so easily? It’s made me feel awkward round people.
Amongst all the angst and drama I’ve been spending time soul searching. I’ve worked on being a person I can look in the mirror at.
I’ve changed, come so far from the person I was a year ago. So maybe it’s right that who I am no longer fits in with their lives.
Our journeys have changed.
Last night was interesting. He text that I only had him for 20 minutes as he travelled home. Normally this would make me scramble for dazzling words to try and hold his attention. To make my touch on his life so amazing that he wouldn’t want to lose it. So he’d come back. I’m insecure round him like that. Then he said he could easily leave me to it, if I wasn’t interested in chatting. He knows I enjoy talking to him. Seeing his world; I tell him that often enough. But not like this. Squeezed into dark corners. I like him in my life. But I can’t turn myself inside out to play this game he seems to have set out. To just be his entertainment when he’s bored. I know he could leave me to it. He does it often enough. Maybe it’s the words he used. The way I’ve been hurt too much this year. So I wasn’t sad when he said ‘your time’s up lol’
I think that’s very true. It is up. And that’s ok. I’ve been learning to let go.