She stood listening beneath the trees. Wind hushed loudly through branches and her body started to automatically relax. Random leaves torn from above, now free, shimmied their way down the path to adventure. Stepping out into the field, the sun embraced her thirstily and the wind lost it’s voice but not strength. She walked along the edge of uniform crop, stepping round the odd stray plant, not wanting to flatten any part of it. A couple more weeks and they’d be waist high, especially the way they were straining. “Don’t be in such a hurry” she whispered, bending to brush fingers across tips. But this was not a place to linger, it was a graveyard of problems and they lay scattered along this route. The one she was currently carrying in her pocket and turning over and over between thumb and finger was almost worn smooth. She paused to watch the setting sun and the way it’s light changed everything. For that moment, there was only exhale, sun, and wind pulling at her edges. She took the worry from her pocket and threw it across the field, watching it skim across green until it reached the trees she’d just come from. She walked on, trying to ignore the ghosts calling her from behind, hoping that this time she really had left it behind.
Summer dress in spring rain,
Spaghetti straps on goodebump skin,
She’s the girl,
Who lets the song get under her fingernails.
Amongst dreams about tattoos of spiders and crows, he crept in even there. And when I said “it’s what he always wanted.” I knew the words were true even though they burnt my heart. And I realised, as I wrote out my dream, that when I found peace in those words, I would probably find the happiness for them as well. Then I’d be able to finally let him go.
There are these words I write,
And that’s ok.
To fall inside out onto a page.
Sometimes it’s good to fall down the rabbit hole and write about what you find down in the dark. Today I was listening to someone retelling me a traumatic event from five years ago. The pain was as clear and vivid today as it was then. I walked beside them through the day, feeling and seeing everything they did as if it was yesterday, or if it was just in the next room. Pain like that doesn’t diminish in time. Just as grief can’t be eroded. If you’re lucky you learn to grow round it. Nature adapts and evolves.
And sometimes in the dark, you find something life affirming.
(2 week old puppies)
Some people walk into your head and switch on a light. You get to see things differently and it’s addictive. The problem is, when they leave, turning the light back off, you’re plunged into darkness.
But slowly your eyes readjust and you’ll see everything is still there, because it’s the core of who you are. You just need to find your own light to see.
The end of an era.
She was the last link,
Keeping me close to my grandmother.
Walking into the house,
It’s a time capsule.
A place filled with Peter Pan magic,
Where you found your child self again.
A safe place full of unconditional love,
Reassuring in its never changing face.
And her chair still sits waiting,
Like she’s just in the other room,
Opening a door today, it revealed a thin strip of old layered paint. The door’s hidden history, a touch of old glamour, far removed from today’s stripped back neglected look. And it made me think of how many people are like this door. Hiding their past, only revealing it to those who look. Only showing themselves to people who can see beyond use and find the beauty that age and life brings.