Amongst dreams about tattoos of spiders and crows, he crept in even there. And when I said “it’s what he always wanted.” I knew the words were true even though they burnt my heart. And I realised, as I wrote out my dream, that when I found peace in those words, I would probably find the happiness for them as well. Then I’d be able to finally let him go.
There are these words I write,
And that’s ok.
To fall inside out onto a page.
Sometimes it’s good to fall down the rabbit hole and write about what you find down in the dark. Today I was listening to someone retelling me a traumatic event from five years ago. The pain was as clear and vivid today as it was then. I walked beside them through the day, feeling and seeing everything they did as if it was yesterday, or if it was just in the next room. Pain like that doesn’t diminish in time. Just as grief can’t be eroded. If you’re lucky you learn to grow round it. Nature adapts and evolves.
And sometimes in the dark, you find something life affirming.
(2 week old puppies)
Some people walk into your head and switch on a light. You get to see things differently and it’s addictive. The problem is, when they leave, turning the light back off, you’re plunged into darkness.
But slowly your eyes readjust and you’ll see everything is still there, because it’s the core of who you are. You just need to find your own light to see.
The end of an era.
She was the last link,
Keeping me close to my grandmother.
Walking into the house,
It’s a time capsule.
A place filled with Peter Pan magic,
Where you found your child self again.
A safe place full of unconditional love,
Reassuring in its never changing face.
And her chair still sits waiting,
Like she’s just in the other room,
Opening a door today, it revealed a thin strip of old layered paint. The door’s hidden history, a touch of old glamour, far removed from today’s stripped back neglected look. And it made me think of how many people are like this door. Hiding their past, only revealing it to those who look. Only showing themselves to people who can see beyond use and find the beauty that age and life brings.
I had the cards. The stamps. And I sat down a number of times to write them but always ended up wandering off again.
Then it hit me today as I was running. I’ve lost three of the first, close friends I made when I moved here. To write cards highlight’s holes in my life.
This year has had me wrestling with the doubt that I’m a good friend. I think I’m a good person but friend? When I can be cut off so easily? It’s made me feel awkward round people.
Amongst all the angst and drama I’ve been spending time soul searching. I’ve worked on being a person I can look in the mirror at.
I’ve changed, come so far from the person I was a year ago. So maybe it’s right that who I am no longer fits in with their lives.
Our journeys have changed.
Last night was interesting. He text that I only had him for 20 minutes as he travelled home. Normally this would make me scramble for dazzling words to try and hold his attention. To make my touch on his life so amazing that he wouldn’t want to lose it. So he’d come back. I’m insecure round him like that. Then he said he could easily leave me to it, if I wasn’t interested in chatting. He knows I enjoy talking to him. Seeing his world; I tell him that often enough. But not like this. Squeezed into dark corners. I like him in my life. But I can’t turn myself inside out to play this game he seems to have set out. To just be his entertainment when he’s bored. I know he could leave me to it. He does it often enough. Maybe it’s the words he used. The way I’ve been hurt too much this year. So I wasn’t sad when he said ‘your time’s up lol’
I think that’s very true. It is up. And that’s ok. I’ve been learning to let go.